I was doing some thinking the other day, a hard process for me when I am not able to talk it out. A friend of mine described me thus... "You are one of those people who don't know what they think until they hear what they say". Not far from the truth I think. I hate it when people tell others what I think, simply because what I think has only been verbalised once, the verbalisation process need to be distilled a few times before it comes out anything close to what it is intended to be. Anyway... I was thinking.... on quite a personal level. It seems that it is quite normal, or so I am told, for a man to consider his life as he gets older and to be very much aware of his own mortality. I have to say this is a fairly new phenomenon for me. I remember when I turned 40 I began to think about what I had achieved in life and realised that it was in fact quite little in terms of being 'immortalised' somehow. How could I leave my mark on this old world and how was I going to be remembered, if at all.
I suppose I was provoked into thinking this way after briefly considering a few people from my past. Some of those I had allowed to enter my consciousness for a few moments, had attempted to leave their mark on the community by creating a human 'structure' of large proportions and in doing so had damaged the lives of many people, including my own to some extent, in trying to achieve their goals. I often wonder why they did what they did. Was it with good motive which carried with it human frailty and mistake, or was it a means of self justification and an attempt to be remembered for ever? Maybe it started well but as a result of significant wrong choices their endeavours began to head off in the wrong direction and as a result we incapable of being corrected with our a fundamental rethink and rebuild.
Decisions made during a time of brokenness and trauma are often poorly thought through and made out of a sense of relief and to 'steady the ship' until they find out what is really wrong. Often by this time it is too late and the ship is heading in the wrong direction, a direction which will cause it to sink in the end. Rudimentary lessons need to be learned at this point and action taken, which is not pleasant, in order to meet the requirements of the situation. Poor decision which are not reversed begin a chain of reaction and inter reaction which cause untold structural and individual damage. The decision makers in poor decisions processes are often the wrong people as well. Men whose wives meddle in their affairs in order to try to get a higher more powerful profile for their husbands are particularly problematic. "Yes" men, who will do anything to be accepted (whose shoes I have to confess I have filled once or twice too often), are also bad ingredients in the mix. Those also who have a personal crusade of enlightenment to follow but who wish to take everyone else in the organisation or group with them on their journey can only cause devastating results.
I am very hopeful that I can avoid the trauma of self promotion, including being promoted wrongly by others. I often wonder, after all of the social and political climbing has died down and the dust has settled and the structures built have grown on under the auspices of another, who will remember those who bruised and buffeted to remain in their position. Will they be remembered or will anyone in the future, other than their nearest and dearest, ever give them a second thought. Well, will I make it to the end without hitting the pay dirt of self promotion, if I am honest with myself, am I already falling foul of my current hatred. Are my motives clear, or are they just grubby a little and acceptable to me and my fellow travellers? Watch this space (sheesh another cliché ) and see how the journey develops.
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